The human mind is obscenely complex. It is full of connections, twists and turns, hurdling our subconscious through time and space in order for us to believe that everything is normal.
I have tremendously low self-esteem. I think that's been established. However, if there's one body part I'd like to change, it would be my brain. It doesn't work properly. Something is terribly wrong with it, and I can't seem to validate its existence.
For those of you unaware (and I know few of you are, but dammit, I get to talk about whatever I want on here), I have AD/HD, non-hyperactive type. Legitimately; I'm not attention-seeking or making excuses when I say that. It's not just an easy scapegoat for forgetting to take out the trash. Imagine yourself walking through a room, with the intent of picking up three items of clothing off the floor. But, as you're walking, other inanimate objects in the room literally start speaking to you. They start reminding you of other projects, other chores, funny stories, and they become more and more appealing, while the items of clothes start to disappear before your eyes. That's what actually having AD/HD is like. I think it's fair to say I'm in a constant state of confusion. There are literally so many thoughts buzzing through my head at all times that I think it has affected my ability to process sound. I'm serious. I over-think when people speaking. I start to fixate on what sounds their mouths are making and I begin to lose to meaning of those words. When asking me a question, the typical response is: what? Say that again? I've had my hearing tested; it's fine. It's just my brain.
Did I mention that I'm also mild synesthete? My synesthesia applies mostly to seeing and thinking about numbers and letters. Oh, and calendars. Depending on the number, letter, or date, my mind immediately replicates and visualizes it based on a very distinct color pattern. Odd numbers are warm colors, even numbers are cool, and so on. As this is occurring, generally my mind will start to wander and think about color. I also have very odd tendencies to organize things like trinkets or food based on the way color has organized them in my brain. Now, I say mild synesthete because unlike others, my synesthesia exists in my brain for the most part, and it very infrequently interferes with my other senses. Although, it has happened. I know some people think it's a tremendously wonderful affliction to have, being that science is awfully excited about it. For me, it's the things have always been and it does nothing but aggravate my already muddled brain.
Dreams are the worst. They're either so wonderful that it hurts to wake up, or they're so monstrously frightening that they imprint me for the entire day, sometimes longer. I was telling a friend the other day that I don't think I've had a dream without extreme violence (rape, murder, stabbing, etc.) in it for months, possibly over a year. As he seemed startled by this, I realized that's really not normal. That's utterly terrifying. I'm not a violent person. Why would my brain play out scenarios of brutal rapes and vicious murders every night? I mean, it's not all I dream about. Sometimes, they're worse, at least as far as emotional impact.
Our minds can be incredibly cruel. They can make us believe something wonderful has happened, and for a brief moment, we're finally at peace, knowing everything is going to work out. Then, we wake up with a hole in our heart, wounded for the rest of the day.
My cruel dreams involve me having children. My subconscious plants false memories of being pregnant and giving birth, so I truly believe I have my own kids. Sometimes, I even wake up and reach for them, only to realize they're not there. I know this happens to the rest of the world as well, but with other voids in their lives.
Which leads me to wonder what our is subconscious plotting? What part of mind is truly who we are? We use so little of our brain consciously, but was is the rest of it doing? If it contains all of that power and all of that intelligence, why can't it heal us when we're broken and hurting? And if it can, how do we access it?
Here, I spent the whole morning blogging about my brain, and I've distracted myself from doing any actual work. My brain sucks. When is the part where I become a zombie?
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