I am in limbo. This is limbo.

There have been many ups and downs in terms of our future. I don't know how many people actually follow this blog, but about six weeks ago, Jacob accepted a position in Aurora, IL. I'm incredibly proud of him: he's a brilliant young man and absolutely deserves it. Unfortunately, that means we'll have to move. We went house hunting, bought a house, put our (perfect) house on the market, lost the new house, freaked out, then regained the new house. It's been exhausting.

And this might all be happening during one of most severe depressive episodes in years. I've actually had to seek the help of a professional therapist. I usually don't have to do this very often, but I'm making a lot of self revelations.

Mostly, I am so, so lonely most of the time.

It's a weird assertion to make; I am surrounded by many wonderful human beings on this big crazy planet. But it's not always the company that I require.

I'm deeply empathic. I am painfully sensitive. And, worst of all, I am highly vulnerable. It is incredibly difficult to allow anyone into my inner sanctum, despite the air of ease and sociability I may put on. I trust very few, and yet, I frequently place that trust in the wrong hands. I feel everything. EVERYTHING. I internalize all of my pain, uneasiness, hurt, anger, and grief to such a degree that I've developed more than one psychosomatic-induced conditions. It's possible that this is the reason my endometriosis has spread so quickly and severely. I just feel too much. 

I need affection. Constantly. Non-sexual, physical contact built upon trust and the deep understanding of my character. I have always required this, even as a child.  I often consider building myself a hug machine like Temple Grandin. I have those trust issues; I only want affection from those I trust.

Mainly, Jacob.

Jacob has been very, very busy lately. Plus, he's less than thrilled about giving so much affection to one person. I've been left to my own devices during the day. Mostly, I've been alone. Substitute jobs are drying up. I only have so many available companions. And it's just not fair to subject others to my "gray bubble," as Jacob puts it. And, being in limbo, I don't want to foster any new relationships just to leave them behind.

I just...have no idea how to handle myself right now.

I spend way too much time on the Internet; it's almost like having imaginary friends.  I get disgusted with my own attention seeking daily, but I'm too distracted and socially inept to do anything about it.

Deep down, I do know everything will be okay. We will move (June 3rd), we will find new things to do, we will make new friends. But this limbo is absolutely draining me.





(I wrote this on my phone; don't judge my spelling/grammar mistakes too harshly.)