POPPIES WILL MAKE THEM SLEEEEEP!

So today was my last day of therapy. Typically, one doesn't talk about what they achieve or discuss with therapy, however, I'm not very typical. I had originally started going to therapy because I have been suffering from severe depression, particularly in the last six months. My first encountered my therapist, it was revealed that I was highly, highly depressed and needed immediate attention. It was only two months ago. I'm incredibly pleased to say that I have made significant gains. I made a letter revelations about myself, particularly those about what I am worth and the validity of my personality.   I cannot recognize that I'm not crazy, that all of my relationships have developed for a reason, and that I am capable of many many things. And the state of my fertility doesn't dictate my value---that one's important.

Quite frankly, I think it's incredibly impressive that I've made all of these assertions, and it took on the only a matter of weeks to come full circle. I think it's probable that I had it with me the entire time, I was just diluted by unstable brain chemicals. Chemicals, and a pathetic diet. I'm bad at eating.

I only have a little over a week left in Minnesota. I'm doing much better with this than I anticipated. The movers are going to pretty much pack everything that we own, so I'm just waiting around for things to happen. I devoted this time to spending with all of my friends, particularly David and Kristine, as well as the Stanges, the Williamses, and everyone else who has shown us kindness here in this town. Jacob has been out of town for this entire week, so it's been nice to have friends around me. As part of my new lease on life, I've decided to make follow through on some life-long aspirations, things that I've put off just because I was waiting for my family to happen. I've realized that I already have a family because we make our own families in this world. I don't need to wait for anything to happen, I just need to take initiative. That's a pretty convoluted way of saying that I got a tattoo.
It really wasn't that bad; yes it did hurt at times because part of it is over bone, but I could handle it. Since Jacob was in Illinois already, David accompanied me to the tattoo parlor, as I did the same thing for him a year ago. However, David didn't have to be asked to leave due to his inappropriate pantomimes of bathroom problems. Good job, David.
Anyway here's a photo of it that David took right after it was completed. The symbolism behind it involves the poppy goddess, Demeter, as a symbol of depression, loss, and motherhood in both Greek mythology and literature. The stocks of the poppies form two 11's which is my birthday, and the stock of the bud crosses over to form an H for my last name. I drew it; the tattoo artist didn't alter my design at all! So, yeah! I'm pretty solid in this decision, and I'm glad I took the initiative! And, Jacob likes it, so that's a definite plus!

MOTHER OF DWAGONS

Today, the Minnesota house passed a same-sex marriage bill. As many did, I rejoiced. I was completely and utterly elated. This is the Minnesota I always wanted to live in, and I'm proud of all the effort we've made in terms of changing our world for the sake of love and family.
However, as I was watching the live stream of the house debate, nothing infuriated me more than watching opponent after opponent describe the function of marriage as producing offspring. Not creating a loving family or a healthy partnership, but successfully reproducing. Being a straight married woman, I generally am not marginalized in society. I rarely face ridicule or disdain for my intrinsic traits. But, my infertility seems to suggest I am the lesser.
I recognize that I have not faced even a modicum of oppression compared to my friends in the LGBTQ community; the courage with which they face their entire lives just for the sake of love and mere existence is astounding. But it doesn't stop the deep and bitter resentment I feel whenever I hear that argument. It's terribly alienating.
It hasn't helped my outlook that I've been almost entirely bed-ridden for the last two days. I didn't see this one coming; I thought I'd avoided it. But...holy shit. I...almost couldn't take it. It was one of the weird scary ones---I momentarily blacked out walking up the stairs. But fortunately, I fell forward on my hands and knees. It mostly just scared me. But, oh good grief, it hurt so much last night. I almost made Jacob take me to the ER, if for nothing more than just a morphine drip. He talked me out of it, which definitely saved us some money. But I'm struggling with the whole "moving around" thing this week. It kind of added insult to injury while listening to the debate today.



Mother's Day also bugs me every year. I tend to get really sad and reflective upon my failures as a mother. However, I've made a resolution: none of that crap this year. I am done with that. I actually have been doing a lot better in terms of my depression, and my state of limbo has eased up a bit. I am feeling better, BETTER! Better is...for lack of another word...better. I might be...okay. Things will be okay. I don't need to establish my value by the state of my uterus (which sounds ridiculous and archaic, but it's something I struggle with). I am an excellent dog mother to Linus. I've been a very successful nanny and substitute teacher. I've provided many friends with mothering love and support. Some...more than others. I think that's reasonable for my current situation. Yes, I'm not a biological parent yet, but I am still valuable for the woman that I am.

And there's always hope that I can still achieve the rank of "Mother of Dragons."