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| I was looking for a picture of a monster, and found this. I've never seen it before and had no idea it existed. Its light hearted nature is in no way indicative of the somber tone of this post. |
In general, I'm lovely. However, once my hormones rush through me, I become a damned monster. I can't figure out why this happens. I mean, I know PMS is this thing that happens to most women, but I just become an outrageous, yet heart-broken bitch.
I didn't used to be this way. I think after surgery, my insides started over-functioning to make up for lost time. Unfortunately, my hormones have gone berserk. Imagine this: once a month, my brain suddenly bombards me with every failure that I have ever experienced, and I become a wretched victim of heartbreak. For pretty much no reason (other than the fact that I am kind of a failure, a fact which I like to slip under the rug whenever I can). I feel terrible for those close to me; it's really not something they deserve, but I can't seem to help it. I'm so thankful that Jacob knew what was going on the moment he woke up this morning; he's brilliant sometimes. I do love him so.
I had another attack...thing today. It wasn't a scary one, or at least not initially. It hurt, but it could have been much worse. However, the aftermath was atrocious. It's actually getting worse as I type. This rarely happens. I have suffered many different manifestations, and this is really the second best I can hope for. Unfortunately, I watched three small girls today. Needy girls. Oh, and it's the first hottest day of the year. I can't imagine anything more miserable than being head-butted simultaneously in the uterus by a one-year-old and a three-year-old. I thought I was going to die at that moment; I actually saw stars. Oh, it was bad...I think Doctor Who saved my life today. Doctor Who and graham crackers. I suppose Jacob and David helped too.
Regardless, I'm just miserable that any of this happened. Again. AGAIN. I just want to get a handle on this, because it might be the thing that is actually breaking my f*ing heart. That, and I'm surrounded by pregnant women and newborn babies. I can't stop it from getting to me. I really can't, and I wish I could. It might help my motivation to achieve something in this world.
I wish I had a cuddle from somebody right now. I say somebody simply for the fact that Jacob is undeniably covered in a thick layer of sweat and grease. And he's full of beer. Two things that are not advisable in a cuddle. But a clean, sober cuddle would be very welcomed right now.
I just feel so lonely sometimes.
