The last blog I wrote reflected a girl wallowing in emotional turmoil, unwilling to allow anyone else in her mind. I've gotten a little bit of (incredible) feedback about that, and I've come to a conclusion that this blog won't be the reason I collapse into madness, and since others find it important, I figured it was probably best to continue my poorly-written musings about life, love, and, well, lack of babies.
Today, I woke up at 6 AM, happy as a clam. In fact, yesterday, I couldn't stop dancing or singing around my house. I even baked a pie for pi(e) day (you know, March 14...3.14). What happened? I could say spring. I could also say that I've had a little bit of a reality check in the last few weeks or so, and I figured out that I have an awful lot for which I am grateful.
Basically, I've figured out that my life really isn't that bad. It isn't. I mean, even for me, life is okay right now. However, I believe the main trigger for my depressive episode to be Jacob's application for a new job in a new state. I wasn't expecting it, and he didn't even consider my opinion about moving away. It's still up in the air; he interviewed for it yesterday. However, I know there are a lot of people in the race for this position, so I feel a little bit better about everything. I've also made a mental plan about what will happen if I have to move away. I always need to make a mental plan---I have very low mental flexibility, and if I'm not emotionally prepared for something, I tend to
Jacob and I bought our house because A) it was beautiful and perfect and B) it had four bedrooms that we intended to fill up with babies. Since the baby thing isn't working out the way we'd hoped, we're at least trying to fill it with positive energy and neutrality for our friends. When I started doing shows over at the college, I had no problem inviting young members of the cast to my home on one condition: no drama. I refused to allow all of their pointless spats and love triangles to permeate the sanctity of my lovely home. I'm just too old for that crap. However, I've discovered that I am totally willing to allow drama into my home, if the drama is attached to a person I desperately care about. Having problems with your boyfriend? Do I love you to pieces? Get your ass over here; I'll wipe your tears away and...feed you (what can I do? I was raised Lutheran). Jacob thinks I should start charging...dumb accountant.
In fact, I think being emotionally available to those who need it has really helped me recognize how important loving and honest relationships are in the overall scheme of life. I've most certainly taken that for granted. I've also taken for granted my stable financial situation---sure, I don't have a job right now, but we're still okay. I easily forget how difficult some have it, and it shocks me when I'm reminded. If I had a million dollars, you can bet I would give most of it away. However not before I paid off some loans. And buy some killer shoes.
I love shoes.
However, I do think infertility issues are wrecking havoc on my ability to remain detached and calm when providing emotional support to friends. I have a lot of room for loving people, and if I can't love the babies that don't exist yet, I'd better start loving the people that are already in my life, even if it's exhausting or frightening. Perhaps it's causing me to mother them more than they'd prefer. Jacob knows this about me, and while he can't quite comprehend the strength of the relationships I have with others, he's still supportive, especially if he knows someone else needs help (although he does get cranky if it interferes with either sleep or The Walking Dead). He would do (and has done) it for any of his friends. Once again, it reminds me that I found my perfect mate.
I love really, really hard. It's part of what makes me who I am, and I think it's completely worth it.
Keep up your Blog as it is a way to keep up your thinking & writing skills. For years I kept up a daily Journal and I found it was a good exercise in putting my thoughts into words on the computer. Being a German, raised Lutheran & not to show emotion I deal with any situation in that manner which may seem unfeeling to those who know me but it is my way of never having to deal with highs & lows. I had plans and high hopes when John was born and that came crashing down and I vowed I would never allow that to happen again. So, I always expect the worst & pray for the best that way I can handle anything that comes along.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Kate.
Grandpa