Bummerville

 I'm debating whether or not I should keep my blog going. I'm grateful for your support, it's just that, I don't know if I can continue to put so much of thoughts out there. It seems silly; there are a million worse problems to have than whether or not to continue to blog for emotional therapy. But I feel extremely vulnerable and exposed now that everyone knows my every whim. I need to establish that my mental health is stable before I continue.

I'm what Jacob lovingly refers to as his "little glass case of emotion" (as mentioned in the movie Anchorman.) Basically, it means that I'm fucking crazy somewhat less mentally stable that others. It takes very little to tip me one way or the other, and I've had my struggles (but haven't we all?), so I work very hard to stay even keel. When I tip too far in the wrong direction, I become a "gray bubble"(which is a reference to a Zoloft commercial; Jacob has no original thoughts when it comes to mental health evaluations). I fear I'm becoming a gray bubble again.

With Jacob's job, there's always a possibility we could move at any time. ANY TIME. I was reminded of that recently.
 I used to be fine with the idea. I'm currently dissatisfied with what Austin has to offer. But as of late, I feel hopeful to what Austin could become. I've just recently become extremely involved with a number of arts projects and committees. I love being involved in community theatre. I have a church that makes me feel comfortable. I have a running route to which I'm very dedicated. I have little girls who think the world of me, and I don't want to miss them growing up (I mean, they're already growing up so much, and I've known them less than a year). I have made very dear friends; I don't want to be removed from them, especially in such a stressful battle for fertility. I need their direct support, and no amount of social media can replace a hug.
I need a very established sense of home. Until recently, I haven't had that in years. This is my home now, and it truly feels like home. I can't be ripped away from this. I've only struck out on my own once, when I decided to go to college in Iowa. But that was my choice, and I had two years to prepare. I also had a year to prepare before we moved to Austin. I just can't do this right now.

This is all strictly hypothetical right now. But it could very easily become a reality. And I would be miserable. I would have to postpone indefinitely the idea of opening my daycare, as I wanted to only open it up to families I already knew. Plus, there's the issue of finding new friends. I can get along with pretty much anyone. You have to do something pretty heinous for me to dislike you (although I do tend to overreact...). But I'm picky about whom I allow to get near me. It took me nearly six months to actually leave my apartment and do something when we first moved to Austin. After that, it took me another year and half to really find friends. Now, I've known them for at least two years, which is just the perfect amount of time to establish trust. It would kill me to have start that over again.
When you move away, people always say they'll keep in touch, they'll call, they'll write, etc. For a while, your friends make a good effort. But unfortunately, life goes on (and rather quickly, might I add). People whom you love and care about tend to forget about you, and though unintentional, it's still painful. I'm terrified that I'll move away and be at a huge loss for any real connection to anyone. It isn't fair to expect my long-suffering husband to be my only outlet for human interaction.
Plus, when we eventually move back (because everyone moves back to Austin), I'll have missed so much. I'll have been forgotten. It breaks my little glass-enclosed heart.

For the moment, I'm not sure what I should do. To distract myself, I'm going to throw all of my energy into preparing for Rent, and I'll probably try to watch the kids more often. A friend recently said distractions only delay facing the inevitable, and sometimes that makes it harder. I don't know if that's true for me right now, as I will fall apart if I face every single thing contributing to my depression. I don't expect others to help shoulder all that baggage. It's not right; we all have our own battles to fight, and right now, I'd be much more comfortable in your corner than mine. I just need to get away from my own thoughts for a while.

Welcome to Bummerville, Katie. Get out as fast as you can.