Shark week

Sometimes, I'm an unholy terror.

I was looking for a picture of a monster, and found this. I've never seen it before and had no idea it existed. Its light hearted nature is in no way indicative of the somber tone of this post.

In general, I'm lovely. However, once my hormones rush through me, I become a damned monster. I can't figure out why this happens. I mean, I know PMS is this thing that happens to most women, but I just become an outrageous, yet heart-broken bitch.

I didn't used to be this way. I think after surgery, my insides started over-functioning to make up for lost time. Unfortunately, my hormones have gone berserk. Imagine this: once a month, my brain suddenly bombards me with every failure that I have ever experienced, and I become a wretched victim of heartbreak. For pretty much no reason (other than the fact that I am kind of a failure, a fact which I like to slip under the rug whenever I can). I feel terrible for those close to me; it's really not something they deserve, but I can't seem to help it. I'm so thankful that Jacob knew what was going on the moment he woke up this morning; he's brilliant sometimes. I do love him so.

I had another attack...thing today. It wasn't a scary one, or at least not initially. It hurt, but it could have been much worse. However, the aftermath was atrocious. It's actually getting worse as I type. This rarely happens. I have suffered many different manifestations, and this is really the second best I can hope for. Unfortunately, I watched three small girls today. Needy girls. Oh, and it's the first hottest day of the year. I can't imagine anything more miserable than being head-butted simultaneously in the uterus by a one-year-old and a three-year-old. I thought I was going to die at that moment; I actually saw stars. Oh, it was bad...I think Doctor Who saved my life today. Doctor Who and graham crackers. I suppose Jacob and David helped too.

Regardless, I'm just miserable that any of this happened. Again. AGAIN. I just want to get a handle on this, because it might be the thing that is actually breaking my f*ing heart. That, and I'm surrounded by pregnant women and newborn babies. I can't stop it from getting to me. I really can't, and I wish I could. It might help my motivation to achieve something in this world.

I wish I had a cuddle from somebody right now. I say somebody simply for the fact that Jacob is undeniably covered in a thick layer of sweat and grease. And he's full of beer. Two things that are not advisable in a cuddle. But a clean, sober cuddle would be very welcomed right now.


I just feel so lonely sometimes.